for a good time, follow these instructions

1. Walk to El Carmen, step through the thick red curtain, and immediately make believe you are in the movie Desperado. Dim red lighting, paintings of Mexican wrestlers on black velvet, hundreds of varieties of tequila. The ambiance is slick and stylish, but muy misterioso.
2. Take seats at the end of the bar, in order to maximize interaction with cute bartender.
3. Order chips and salsa with your drinks -- they come fresh and hot, and so thin and crisp that they're translucent.
4. When cute bartender brings over a round of unsolicited tequila shots and emphatically commands, "Don't argue", don't argue!
5. When the jukebox plays the Violent Femmes' "Please Don't Go", do a silly little barstool dance.
6. Order a glass of their pineapple-infused tequila on the rocks. Steal a glimpse of the bartender as he pulls it from the tap of a giant jug filled with hefty chunks of fresh pineapple. Sip slowly and enjoy the subtle hint of bright fruity flavor, knowing that for this drink alone, you'll no doubt be returning to the bar this summer.
   
7. Swoon a little bit when cute bartender nochalantly calls you 'baby' while closing out the tab.
8. Hobble back home, immediately fall into a deep sleep, dreamless save for sweet visions of luchadores sweetly tucking you in.
   

El Carmen is at 8138 W. Third St., just west of Crescent Heights, next door to Doughboys.